A Heart to Love You With
by grayscales
Summary: Calcifer's thoughts on Sophie, and the beating of Howl's heart. A oneshot.


**Disclaimer- I do not own, or claim to own, any characters or settings that are property of Diana Wynne Jones. If I did, I would definitely be dreaming.**

If you had a person's heart, and that person fell in love with another person, don't you think you'd feel something for that last person too? I know, I know, it's extremely confusing, but that is how I came to fall in love with one Sophie Hatter.  
I felt it immediately, when he spoke to her. I was used to the constant beating that went on at the heart of my flame, used to the rhythm that pounded there. It was monotonous and heavy, and felt wrong and unnatural. This heart that wasn't even mine was holding me down. But I had made a contract, so there really was no way of me tricking my way out. The feeling of his heart pressed down on me, harder and heavier with each quickening beat. I knew what it was he felt: attraction. Howl, being the man that he was, certainly enjoyed the company of women, and his heart would beat heavier each minute he was with them. I assumed that this girl would be no different.  
I was wrong.

"Don't you want your heart eaten?"  
Those were the first words I spoke to her, because I could think of nothing else. The heart that pounded in me was growing weighty in confirmation: this was the girl that had made Howl's heart beat so quickly, and the beat of that heart was slowly coming up into what would be my throat (if I had one) and seemed to be choking me.  
So the first words I said to her were some of the dumbest ever to leave my mouth.  
I could see through the spell that rested on her, and she was beautiful. When she asked me if I could remove it, I looked her up and down, the heart still pounding. She wasn't Howl's kind of beautiful: all kinds of flowers and sunshine, extreme beauty that would make my eyes hurt. The woman standing in front of me, old even as she seemed, was beautiful in a soft way, a way that Howl wouldn't be able to appreciate. At least, I thought not.  
But then why was his heart leaping and dancing like she was the most beautiful person in the world?  
Maybe the heart was leaping because I thought her beautiful. She certainly was, but I decided not to question it, and I did my best to see that she would be here for a while; it really didn't take much. She didn't seem like she wanted to leave anyway.  
While she was here, I figured she could do something for me anyway. And so we came into a contract.

When Howl came in and met Sophie for the first (actually, second) time, she lied. His heart was keeping that hurried pace again, but he handled her with the annoyed coolness he handled everyone with. I didn't want to see Howl treat her like he usually treated girls, so I watched him carefully that breakfast. He treated her like an annoying old woman, and I was oddly relieved. Maybe the beating of the heart (my heart, his heart?) really was because of me. I certainly hoped so.  
So I watched and watched and watched them, and pretended not to notice Howl falling for Sophie, and Sophie falling for Howl. I told myself that Howl didn't love her, didn't care about her at all, and that this feverishly beating heart's (growing heavier and heavier with each passing day, days I hadn't noticed before) reaction was all on me. I saw the way he would try to impress her, and the way she snapped at him, and I told myself that it meant nothing, when really it was everything.  
Sophie did fulfill the contract we set, and she was young again. I looked again at the way she spoke to him, and the way he looked at her and despaired. She loved him, and he loved her, now that he had a heart to do so with.  
I was free of that meticulous thumping of his heart, and I felt so light without it. I was free and alive and I should've been happy.  
I soared out of the castle, and I was flying for the first time in years.  
I was so light I didn't feel the burden of a thousand years without her, and I didn't feel the burden of not being able to love her.  
I didn't have a heart to love her with, and I was so much emptier for it.

But who ever said demons get 'happily ever after's?

**A/N- Okay, so this is my second fanfiction ever, and the first one for Howl's Moving Castle. Pity me. Go easy. Please, review, and take into account the former statements, I beg of you.  
****It is underdeveloped, but I needed to get this out. It has been bothering me for a while, so I decided I would just do it, and not worry about it too much. **

**Much Love,  
****Scales.**


End file.
